In this season of gift-giving I would like to talk about two gifts. The first gift is the gift of time. The author of Ecclesiastes wrote that there is a time to be born and a time to die...there is a time to weep...there is a time to mourn...there is a time to build up [and a time to heal]...there is a time to embrace...and a time to love...there is a time for peace. Time is truly a gift.

We encourage you to give yourself the gift of time. Give yourself the gift of time to grieve. There is no use trying to pretend that Christmas this year is like any other Christmas. It is not like other Christmases because of the death you have experienced.

The author Washington Irving said, "There is a sacredness in tears." During this holiday season, while there may be times when you can tell you will shed tears, there may be other times that tears will come when you least expect them. Tears need to flow freely. One father understood that his children would continue to miss a dear friend, even months and months after the friend's death. The father said, "When we are talking about him [the friend] at the table, sometimes my kids start to cry. I'm so glad they can do that. Then we do it together." Allowing yourself to share the tears with another person can be helpful because through the sharing, some of the loneliness will lessen.

Yes, I encourage you to give yourself the gift of time to grieve. It may be that as you try to make Christmas preparations, as you write out a gift list, as you shop, as you hear a favorite carol, as you plan your Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinners, as you put up a tree or choose not to put up a tree, as you miss buying your loved one a present, as you decide to modify how you observe Christmas this year, or as you do something even unrelated to Christmas, your emotions may feel as though they are "snowing you in" all at once. You may feel numb, sad, empty, confused, overwhelmed, angry, or fearful. These are normal responses to the loss of a loved one.

As you give yourself time to grieve, you may consider doing one or more of the following to get yourself through the holiday. As you consider these suggestions, select the ones that work for you. Remember that no two people grieve in exactly the same ways. Here are some suggestions to consider.

Look at a photo album and remember positive experiences you had with your loved one.
If you have a family videotape, view it.
Line up cherished gifts that your loved one gave you.
Play music that reminds you of her or him.
Write down your feelings.
Place a wreath on the grave.
Bring a favorite picture of your loved one to your Christmas gathering and explain why this picture is important for you and what memories it brings to mind. Talking together is very important.
Use a special bowl or piece of silverware from your loved one for your Christmas dinner.
Cook your loved one's favorite food as a way of cherishing the memory. If this stirs too many emotions, you may wish to select a different menu this year.
Say your loved one's name aloud a number of times.
Give yourself permission to say no. Accept invitations and tasks only as you have the energy. Listen to your heart. You will not always feel the way you do this year. Do not force yourself to do something you do not want to do.
On the other hand, do not deny yourself the enjoyment of activities and companionship if you so desire. Your loved one would want you to have a fulfilling and blessed Christmas.
Consider shopping by catalog or on line instead of fighting the traffic and store crowds. This may relieve you of one burden this year.
Consider doing something special in memory of your loved one. This might include giving church flowers or a church radio broadcast for Christmas, or it might include a donation to charity.
Recognize how far you have come. Give thanks for the special strengths you have found within yourself and which you have been given. Congratulate yourself for getting out of bed on the days that seemed impossible. Give yourself credit for learning to manage the everyday stuff of life without your loved one, who once was an integral part of your daily life.
Eat well-balanced meals. If you do not feel like cooking, go out to eat.
Exercise as you are able, because exercise burns up stress.
Remember that the use of too much alcohol will be detrimental.
At the same time, because grief takes a lot of energy, rest when you need to do so.
You may find it helpful to lower your expectations of yourself and build flexibility into this year's Christmas to give yourself time to grieve adequately.
Yes, the first gift we invite you to consider is that of giving yourself the time to grieve; and as you take time to grieve, be kind and gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as you would care for your best friend in a time of need.

The second gift which I invite you to consider today is the gift of who your loved one was to you. You knew your loved one well.

Ask yourself the following questions, and perhaps talk about them with people around you. What were your loved one's special traits? What were his or her virtues? What were his or her values? What did you learn about life from her or him? What did you learn about faith from her or him? Think of the intangible gifts which your loved one gave you, such as affection, love, joy, laughter, and companionship.

Keeping in mind that although no one is perfect, the world needs everything you can share with it of the good and unique things about your loved one. That is the gift of self which your loved one shared with you. As you incorporate your loved one's values and passions into your own life and as you pass them on to others, you create a living memorial that will keep alive the essence of your loved one and will bring you comfort.

Remember the following during these difficult days.